Cringe worthy memories

      I remember back in the early 90's when biker pants were popular, I had a pair on when I drove to Wendy's to get something to eat. So, I go in and place my order and then head out. I remember thinking people were staring at me oddly but I wrote it off to paranoia. Fuckin' people, amiright? Anwywho..  Once out by my car, I bent over to put my food in it before I hopped in. I remember feeling the breeze through my biker pants and thinking "Man, it's almost like being naked in these things!" Reflexively, my hand went to wear I felt the breeze. And touched bare ass.

     Yes, apparently I'd torn a hole in the biker pants at some point and my whole left ass cheek was hanging out. The whole time I was in there. Yep.


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      Ok, this next one was on my 3rd or 4th date with my fiancee. We went to a restaurant after seeing a movie or some shit because I'm romantic like that. I started eating and developed this intense gastrointestinal distress (i.e., a desperate need to fart.) and was trying to keep up my end of the conversation as I killed the Ozone layer with some "silent but deadly" farts. For bonus points I eyed the waitress when she came around and looked at her like she was the culprit.
     This went on for awhile before I conceded the issue to my sphincter and with a glib "I gotta go mark my territory!" headed for the mens room. Now, I don't know who the fuck designed the stalls to this place but they were saloon type swinging doors that were placed way too damn high. When you sat on the throne the doors only covered you from the shoulders up.
     "Really, piece of shit restaurant?" I muttered to myself, "You really want to go down this road?  Game on, bitch!" The stall was placed at a right angle to the door coming in so at least the innocent were spared the full monty, sorta. So I wiped down the seat and got settled in.
     The sounds my ass made were for lack of a better word, thunderous. Occasionally it was punctuated by this high pitched whale song sort of noise, like my ass was wheezing. I wondered idly if a whale heard it, would it make any sense to them? Piss it off somehow? Is the ass the pan flute of the human body? Anyway, to top it off it the mens room had a slight echo due to all the linoleum I guess, so it was almost like those monster truck show advertisements "sunday.. SUNDAY.. SUNDAY!"
     Being the weirdness that I am, I found myself trying to imitate some of  the noises and actually saying out loud the 'sunday.. SUNDAY... SUNDAY!" commercial to hear how it sounded with the echo. What the hell, I hadn't heard anyone come in and a man gots to keep hisself amused. This went on for almost half an hour before I felt it was safe to return to society and my fiancee.
     Like I said earlier the stall was at a right angle to the door (which is where the sink and blow dryer thingus was.) As I left the stall and rounded the corner there stood a man and his 4 or 5 year old kid both looking horrified and huddled together for protection. Had no idea how long they were in there and listening to me but I have a hunch it was long enough for both of them to need some intense therapy. Of all the things I could have said, I blurted out "Boy, don't eat the fish!" and fled.
     On a side note, I got back to the table to overhear the waitress say to my fiancee "Honey, did that son of bitch leave you here?" Wow. Just.. wow.

"GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK!" exclaimed the chicken. I had mocked its eastern European origin one times too many, it seems. With a final "GLUCK!" it knocked me unconscious. I awoke bleeding and naked. My word! It was then that I realized, wait.. is this fuckin' thing on?"

 - Colonel Sanders
One Mint Julip too many


One of my favorite past times in years of yore (and still is today) was trolling. IS trolling. Back off grammer Nazi's, I have a used plunger, a tube of toothpaste, two eyebrows and the will to use them! I'll arts and crafts your asses...

I loved trolling the yahoo forums under the user ID LeCatfeesh. Also, I used to play World of Warcraft and had a minor cult following on the forums as "Uncle Ook" where I took the art of talking like a mentally challenged lolcat to new levels. I saved a lot of the stories I used to write on a hard drive that needs remounted and ritualistically cleansed.

So, there's gonna be all kinds of weird shit posted here. Yay!